16th February, 2017. 2:40pm
Do you ever feel like your time’s almost up? You don’t exactly know why, or how, or what does that even mean, but for some odd reason, it just feels like the end is almost here. Like, you can’t see your future, or any future at all, except for the end.
Yesterday, my aunt was saying in our family group chat how she has been right about my cousin’s futures, except mine. She said she couldn’t read me and can’t see my future because I was blocking her (she and I are the most intuitive in the family). When she asked what my secret was, all I said was “secret” when in fact, I don’t even know how to answer that myself. I don’t know why, it just kinda feels like that lately.
Blame it on that palmistry machine in the arcade I went to when I was young. I lost the piece of paper that holds the result, but I never forget when it said I’m going to die. 2032. It’s 2017 now. Will I survive ’till past 2032, or run out of breath before we even get to 2020?
Sometimes, when I think about it, it feels like I’ve already done my part and now it’s time for me to go. Like there’s a hole inside me and I don’t know how to fill it. Do I want to die? Of course not. But I think that if it happens, then I’m cool with it. I feel like I’m ready, but I’m also not. I want to do more. I want to tick off my bucket list. Achieve more. Make more mistakes. Slip and learn from them.
Or perhaps I really just need someone. Maybe I need to spread my wings and fly away from all the bullshit I’m dealing with right now; a fresh start. But maybe, just maybe, I’m really running out of time and it’s time for me to accept defeat and go. Whenever that is.