09th February, 2017. 4:14pm
I’m writing again. On my journal. Using an actual pen and paper. I’ve been doing it since last year, but 2017 is when I started writing again on a daily basis. That’s why I’ve been MIA in here lately. So far, I’m loving it and haven’t missed a single day.
There are just some things I couldn’t say here in my blog. At least not yet. I want to, but I don’t want people to think I only publish depressing posts because most of these days, my journal entries have been around that topic. I want to say I’m a lot better since I last updated you guys, but I won’t lie in saying sometimes it comes back; the feeling. To be perfectly honest sometimes I don’t know what triggers them anymore. Maybe I am really just crazy. Or paranoid. Or both.
But maybe I just do need to get a fucking life. Last night I was listening to Uncharted by Sara Bareilles and I suddenly realized how fucking lonely I feel. No, I’m not desperate to find love, but I just feel so lonely these days. Don’t get me wrong, I do smile a lot and laugh almost every day, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if there are people who actually care about me. Which is crazy. Of course I have friends. It just doesn’t feel that way sometimes.
A couple of days ago, a long time friend texted me, asking for advice. I hear her out and given my two cents, and that’s fine because this conversation is about her, not me. But what’s astounding is all throughout our conversation (which lasted for almost 2 hours), not once did she ask about me. Maybe there’s a friendship rule that I missed but friends don’t bullshit friends like that. You don’t consider someone your friend if your only concern is yourself.
So to keep me company every single day, I put music on. I read. I write. I waste time watching nonsensical videos on YouTube because I’m a fucking loser. I bury myself in work. I write some more on my journal.
At the beginning of the year I told myself that this year will be different, and I still want that. I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on to that promise.