19th January, 3017. 4:13pm
In my last entry, actually the last couple of entries, I have been writing about how there’s this darkness surrounding me, pulling me into a black hole. I actually didn’t realize that I was, indeed, battling through depression until certain people who knows me tells me so. Well, I am happy to report that I am feeling a lot better these days… At least for now.
I still feel paranoid and anxious at times, but not when I don’t have to think about them. Aside from writing on an actual journal (**I bought a diary last December that I was supposed to give my god-daughter as a gift but I thought she wouldn’t appreciate it yet because it looks too “adult” for an 8-year old girl, so I bought her a diary appropriate for her age), which helps a lot even though my hands hurt by the time I was done writing, music helps, too. These days, it was Sara Bareilles‘ music that comforts me and help me get my shit together.
She Used To Be Mine
It all started when I first heard the song from Waitress called “She Used To Be Mine” last January 7th (**IKR? How did I discover this song just now when it has been existing since 2015, 2014 even? And here I call myself a theater buff?! Shame on me!!!) When I first heard the song, which was Sara’s own version, I just balled like a baby. I couldn’t even remember how I got to the video, but I did and ever since then I was constantly searching for the cast recording and her songs more. Because of this song, I was reminded how much of a Sara Bareilles fan I am since “Love Song” days.
For five straight days, She Used To Be Mine was on loop and every time I would hear it, I’d cry. There was even one night when I cried in the shower when the song came on my iPod. There’s just something in the song that tugs my heart and hit me like a lightning bolt. When I looked at the lyrics, it was as if my whole life was unfolding right in front of me and I didn’t like what I was seeing. After listening to the song, I’d feel sadder than ever, and then I’d look for more songs that will make me even more depressed.
Lea Salonga singing a medley of “Brave” and “Beautiful.” Sorry, I can’t find the right rendition I was looking for. Even if I have my own copy of her version, I can’t upload it online because, well… I can’t.
That other song is Brave. Now, I’ve heard this song about a million times before. Lea Salonga even made her own gorgeous stripped rendition of this song, but it never hit me hard until very recently. It was when Sara performed the song with a little boy who was battling Leukemia that made me realized that this kid is going through something worst than me and here I am, feeling depressed about something I don’t even know anymore. So I cried… Again.
Another classic, depressing song that helped me pull through is Gravity. I don’t know if any of you have seen Mia Michael’s contemporary piece of this song from So You Think You Can Dance, and in case you haven’t then you should really check it out. Ever since I saw this dance, it stuck with me. I know this song was supposedly about a heartbreak, but Mia Michaels and the dancers, Kayla and Kupono, interpreted it so beautifully, too. Just like that SYTYCD contemporary piece, my Dad was like what the song was referring to. He holds me without touch; keeping me without chains. I wanted to be free of him, but I always find myself coming back to him, hoping one day he’ll change.
I was emailing with one of my best friends very recently and she told me to learn to accept the fact that the Daddy that I used to know was gone. I told her that I know that, but I also know that he’s still my father, and no matter what a shitty Dad he is, HE IS STILL MY FATHER. As much as I want to break free, he still has a hold on me. Always have. Always will. That sucks, I know, but wtf.
Furthermore, one song that also never fails to give me feels these days is “Come Round Soon,” also by Sara Bareilles. I know. It’s weird that this song made me cry the first time I heard it because it’s about a crush of hers that’s not going anywhere. But the angst in her voice, the way she sang it… Damn! I could feel the anger seeping through her and into me. Other songs that really helped (are helping) me are “Hercules,” “Gonna Get Over You,” “Breathe Again,” “King of Anything,” “Manhattan,” and “Uncharted,” to name a few.
Aside from journaling and music, there’s also one more thing that helps me get through things together; Love. Okay, so it’s still premature to call it that, but let’s just say that someone is putting a smile on my face these days, sucking me out of the black hole and bringing me back to life. I don’t exactly know why I’m feeling this way, maybe those who have found their loved ones can explain, but there’s a part of me that says that this new person will be a part of my life of a long time. We gel together. We laugh together. We were honest with each other (so far). Like I said, I know it’s crazy of me to assume this will go any further, but who knows? Maybe this time I got it all right. Besides, who can resist such a handsome face like his? Ugh. I just really hope that he’s not like other assholes who came before him.
So there you go. That’s how I deal with my current situation. For how long this will go, I have no idea, but I’m glad to see a smile on my face again. I just hope I can muster some courage to match so I can actually get my shit together and start doing something for the better.
What about you? How do you deal with depression? Are you okay there? I hope so. If not, hold tight. Just like that old Sara Bareilles song you’ve probably heard before, “Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in. Show me how big your brave is.” So stay strong, because this, too, shall pass. Just be brave. Be brave enough not to let yourself get sucked into that vortex of negativity and self-loathing. You’re better than that. We both are.
PS: The title “Brave Enough” was taken from Sara Bareilles’ “Brave Enough” tour. I liked the term “brave enough” because in this tour, it was just her, her musical instruments, her voice, and the audience. It was her going on tour alone. I’d hope to go on an adventure like that someday.