16th January, 2017. 4:17pm
14 years ago, I sat and watched as my Mom drew her last breath in the hospital. Right then, I knew that our lives will forever be changed, but I never realized how much. I was never prepared for what’s to come, and damn, did it turn my life upside down.
Me and my siblings, we’ve been through so much shit ever since my Mom died; things three siblings shouldn’t have gone through just a couple of months after their mother passed away. With my Dad acting like a fucking teenager, the three of us trying to be strong for each other, and people either siding with us or telling us to just understand what my Dad needs, it’s amazing how I (we) haven’t lost our minds yet.
I can still remember how I would cry myself to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night and crying again while trying not to wake my sister up by crying on my pillow; how my Dad would have a fight with his other siblings because he was spending the money that my Mom left for nonsensical things (ie; with girls that were either younger than me or as old as my older brother who was in his mid to late 20’s at the time). I can still point out when he left us to live with his first girlfriend after my Mom died and worst of all, I can still remember how I seek comfort and solace from a radio program I listen to every morning by going on-air and sharing my story. I didn’t know someone I know would recognize my voice and know it was me, but someone did; my Mom’s sister.
Oh that was a nightmare! I remember her telling that story in front of everybody during my 18th birthday celebration. I wanted to hide because I thought I was safe. For the record, I wasn’t embarrassed that I turned on a radio show for comfort. I felt bad because someone caught me. I never wanted anyone to know how I felt. It sounds strange, I know, but I just don’t want them to know I’m at a breaking point.
Because really, how can you expect a 17-year-old girl to not want advice from a stranger when the person who should’ve comforted her in the first place was acting like he was younger than her? To be honest, I don’t know how I survived all those years but miraculously, I did.
I know I suck at being a daughter, he doesn’t have to rub it in my face. I know I haven’t been in my strongest suit these past few weeks (perhaps even years), but whenever I feel that I’m being sucked into this black hole surrounding me, I would always ask myself, “what would Mommy do if she was here?” So I’d toughen up, muster as much courage as I can, because I know that my Mom will be more disappointed if she finds out that her youngest daughter couldn’t get her shit together just because she’s life’s favorite punching bag. I don’t know how long I can still hold on, but I know that she will never let me stay on the ground when I fall.
This is why I never question why she was taken from us, even though it pains to live each day without her. She was taken so she could protect us in every way she can. So instead of celebrating the date of her passing, I choose to remember this day as the day she truly became our guardian angel. Because even though she can’t be with us here anymore, we always knew that she’s with us every step of the way, looking up from above, guiding us all at the same time. That is why I have the best Mom in the world. I miss you, Mommy. ILYSM.