09th January, 2017. 3:15pm
Barely 10 days in the year and it’s already fucking up, starting guess when? Yup. The very first day of the year.
When I said I wish I could be alone sometimes so I can do things myself, I didn’t mean I want to be lonely, which is what exactly happened last January 1. I wasn’t literally alone, but this year definitely was the loneliest New Year ever.
My Dad was here, of course, so is his trash (ie; the other people at home), but I still felt lonely. Why? Because we didn’t even spend our first dinner of the year together. Plus, it doesn’t help the fact that my brother and his family decided not to drop by here anymore because “there was no parking outside and we won’t be having a family party until the next day, anyway.” That’s when I knew I’d be spending the entire year all by myself, and it’s exactly what is happening these days.
Like I said, I’m not alone, which would have been fine if I’m actually alone. But I’m not. Early this week, my sister announced that they are 7 weeks pregnant with their first-born and it suddenly made me think that maybe it’s time to change zip codes. I found a purpose to finally apply for a U.S. Visa but a part of me also questions what am I still doing here. Why am I still alive? My siblings are okay now, so why am I still here? I’ve always thought I’d go early and now that my sister is having a baby, it just feels like I’ve done my part. I’m ready to go.
I’m not suicidal or anything, I’m just really, really sad and lonely that sometimes, I don’t know what makes me sad anymore. Applying for a Visa is not even an escape, it’s a fresh start, but just when I think I actually have a shot of getting approved, there would be something at the back of my mind crawling at me, telling me there’s no chance in hell I’d get there; I’m stuck where I am and there’s nothing I can do about it.
A couple of days ago, my aunt was telling everyone how she predicted my sister’s pregnancy and that I was going to surprise everyone soon. I found it funny because if I’m being honest, I’d tell them I actually can’t see my future. That I’m just trying to get through each day now until my time is up. But of course I didn’t tell them that, because they would either tell I’m such a drama queen and make fun of me or feel pity. I don’t want their pity. I don’t want everyone’s pity. I want to get my life back. I want to actually have a life, but the truth is I don’t know how and where to start.
I told myself I’d be more selfish this year. I’m so tired of all the bullshit and negativity because it’s eating me alive. I don’t know if visiting or moving to another country would make a difference but I’d definitely like to try. I just hope that I’d be granted a chance to actually start and live my life before it’s too late.