17th May, 2016. 11:47am
Do you know what it’s like to have your dark side wanting to come out so bad but you can’t because you don’t know what you’re capable of? How long can a person keep her cool before she unleashes her evil twin? How much pain and suffering can you endure ’til you say you’ve had enough?
We all have a dark side. That’s normal. No one is born pure evil or wholly good. The question is how far are you willing to go to get what you want.
I don’t particularly like Once Upon a Time’s 5th season, mainly because it was centered on ships and not much moral lessons. For the first time ever, I wasn’t as excited about a season of one of my all-time favorite TV shows. The first arc of the fifth season was underwhelming, and the second half was just as bad, save for a couple of episodes that were too good for me to describe. I hated the episode “Last Rites” even more, because even though Lana Parrilla, Sean Maguire, Rebecca Mader and Greg Germann did an awesome job in that episode, I just could not, for the life of me, get over the reason why Robin Hood had to die. Worse, Hook got resurrected and made out with Emma two feet away from Robin’s grave just SECONDS after his funeral. Not only was it disrespectful, it was also like rubbing more salt in a wound filled with bacteria. It was awful. I’ll never forgive them for doing that.
That being said, I loved the season 5B finale, mainly because after a very long time, the episode was not centered on Hook and saving his ass, but on Regina and her struggle with darkness. I loved it because everyone played a part in it; Henry and Violet and operation mixtape; Emma working with Regina and actually doing and accomplishing something without whining about how to save her boyfriend; Snow White and Charming being Snow and Charming when they had to face Hyde; Zelena being snarky as always; Rumple being the big bad as always; and yes, even Hook being the Captain Hook I liked back in season 2. But the very reason why I loved “Only You & An Untold Story” wasn’t just because it was focused on my favorite character, but because of its moral lesson: the fine line between good and evil.
If you are a fan of the show, you know how Regina’s redemption started in season 2. When I first watched the first season of Once Upon a Time, I was an ugly duckling (aka an Emma Swan fan), but after the curse was broken and Regina allowed Henry to finally live with the Charmings so she can start redeeming herself in the episode “We Are Both,” I became an Evil Regal convert (Evil Regal: a Regina fan). I believed in Regina; I felt her struggles between wanting a quick solution to her problems by tapping into the dark side and choosing to do the right thing. I witnessed how life continuously made her a punching bag. It was awful what she has to go through despite continuously doing good deeds since season 2, but I find her strength, courage and resilience really admirable. I don’t know anyone in the real world who is like her except my Mom. **PS: But my Mom is definitely NOT an Evil Queen.
It’s not that I hate Emma and Hook now, it’s just that compared to Regina, the challenges that they go through are not realistic. Heck, even Rumple and Belle’s twisted, crazy relationship is even believable than them. One example? I haven’t come across a couple who had to go to the Underworld to save her boyfriend, but to find out that your boyfriend’s first love has resurfaced and has an unfinished business with him, or that your boyfriend impregnated someone really close to you, or that your husband continuously choose his nasty habits over you? Now that’s something that everyone can relate to.
During the finale, Regina opened up to Emma about how the darkness keeps creeping inside her. When she finds out that Hook has been resurrected, her first impulse was to rip his throat out, but she didn’t because she now knows that it’s bad, and going all Evil Queen on him will just make her lose everyone that she loves and everything that she has worked for for the past three seasons will go to waste. It’s hard to go through that internal battle between seeking revenge and doing the right thing. Towards the second hour, Snow and Emma gave her a potion that will allow her to separate the Evil Queen from her. Don’t get me wrong, Lana Parrilla was flawless as both Regina and the Evil Queen, but I was kind of pissed that she actually followed them and crushed the Evil Queen’s heart. Since when do magic helped a person in atoning for their sins?
So I yelled on screen no. This can’t be happening. Regina has been doing a great job redeeming herself from the past 3 seasons. I know what it’s like to be constantly at war with your inner demons, but why did she actually go through with it? And then, by the last minute of the episode, the Evil Queen suddenly came back. Hyde was right. Snuffing out one’s darkness ain’t that easy. I cheered when it didn’t work.
I cheered because it’s something I can definitely relate to.
If have been following my blog for a long time, you probably know what I’m going through by now. Sometimes, when things get really messy, I let my evil twin take over and lash on everyone in sight. But then after she has crushed someone’s heart, I would find myself locked in my bedroom and I would cry myself to sleep because I know that what I did was wrong. Afterwards, I’ll just keep quiet and not talk to anyone unless necessary. Some people say I’m a coward for not doing anything about my current situation, but I know deep down that if I started doing something, my Mom and my siblings will be disappointed in me. So I do good. It is making me miserable and I hate every minute of it, but it’s the best I can do to not hurt anyone but myself.
Like when I was on my “psychopath mode” where I spent days reading about crime novels, watching films and documentaries that involves psychopaths and sociopaths, and even googling how to kill someone without leaving fingerprints? That was probably one of my darkest moments so far. I remember feeling so angry at the world that all I want to do is to just take out whoever’s hurting me, and a part of me wants to take my own life instead. Last night, I slipped and fell on our bathroom and hit my head, my left arm and my back and now I think I gave myself a mild concussion because my neck kinda hurts and I have a very, very slight headache but thank God I haven’t dropped dead yet 9hrs later. But to be honest for a minute there I had hoped to die instantly, because I was so sure that the lives of the people around me will be so much better without me.
I used to think that I’m the victim here in my own home, but sometimes I feel like I was the Evil Queen instead, because no matter how much good I do, I’m still unhappy. Even if I keep being patient with whatever’s going on around me, my life still sucks. They keep winning, and I’m always the one ending up hurting.
But then there would always be a nagging voice inside me that tells me to stop and get my shit together, because I can get through this. It was my Mom’s voice, or at least I think it was her. So I hold on to it. Although to be honest, I don’t know how much longer I can keep my cool.
Perhaps that’s why I root for Regina Mills so much, because she gives me hope. I want her to stop feeling guilty of her dark past and just accept the fact that the darkness is, and will always be a part of her and that’s okay, as long as she won’t give in to it. And maybe, just maybe, if I believed enough in her, she and I can find ourselves a happy ending when the right time comes. No matter what that is and who’s it with.