12am Thoughts

08th October, 2015. 12:06am


Photo c/o: harrypotter.wikia.com

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I feel so sad this week. Despite being so high with Once Upon a Time and all my favorite TV shows and Writing 201: Poetry, somehow, I just feel lonely and empty. I don’t know why. I’m really feeling so sad.

Two weeks ago, I was all hyped up and planning my birthday celebration. I still really want to hold a kid’s party theme for adults, but a bigger part of me just wants to elope now. To disappear. Last Tuesday night I was planning my mini birthday celebration with my cousin; discussing what to cook, which alcohol to buy, what drinking games to play. I even asked my cousins if they were going somewhere this weekend because I want them all to be there. Now? Now, I just don’t want to see and be with anyone on my birthday. I already cancelled that plan I did with my cousin. I really don’t want to do anything on Saturday anymore. It’s like there’s a black hole inside of me that is sucking all the happiness out. I don’t know what’s going on. I wish I knew.

And it’s bad. Early this morning, as well as last night before I fell asleep, I was “fantasizing” about my death. I don’t know what came to me and I suddenly thought about dying because I’m reading something that’s totally not depressing, but there I was, in my bed, thinking about death. Somehow, a part of me feels that I won’t last long in this earth. I even have a feeling I won’t live past the age of 32. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right.

What the hell is wrong with me?






10 thoughts on “12am Thoughts

  1. Every year, I feel a bit depressed whenever my birthday arrives (that’s happening with me ever since I reached 25) a part of me refuse to grow up. i want to be young for ever.


    • That’s the thing, though. I’m alone. Not per se, but you know what I mean? And yes, I was actually planning to go somewhere on my birthday alone to, hopefully, meet new people. (And this is literally my Plan E out of everything I’ve planned for my birthday. Poor me!)


  2. I’ve felt the same a few years back, celebrating my birthday (maybe I was around 14-16 years old) because it was actually fine. Fine in the sense that everyone remembered my birthday but somehow and some point I really didn’t feel as special as a celebrant should. It was my birthday so meaning – don’t fucking piss me off or mess up with me. You have to make me feel special, like a queen.

    But then years after when I recall that same feeling, it’s just because I wanted everything to be perfect on my birthday. Maybe the problem with us sometimes is we want people to value us as a celebrant because we can do so much for them.

    Just to share because SOBRANG MATAMPUHIN and SENSITIVE ako when it comes to birthdays. Hahahaha


    • Actually, it’s not about my birthday. I mean, of course I wanted to be surprised and feel special because it’s my day, but I think it’s more than that. I’ve never really been “excited” whenever my birthday comes. Hindi ko alam. It’s this week. And the feeling of sadness I can’t shake. I don’t know where it’s coming from.

      Liked by 1 person


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