08th October, 2015. 12:06am
I don’t know what’s going on with me. I feel so sad this week. Despite being so high with Once Upon a Time and all my favorite TV shows and Writing 201: Poetry, somehow, I just feel lonely and empty. I don’t know why. I’m really feeling so sad.
Two weeks ago, I was all hyped up and planning my birthday celebration. I still really want to hold a kid’s party theme for adults, but a bigger part of me just wants to elope now. To disappear. Last Tuesday night I was planning my mini birthday celebration with my cousin; discussing what to cook, which alcohol to buy, what drinking games to play. I even asked my cousins if they were going somewhere this weekend because I want them all to be there. Now? Now, I just don’t want to see and be with anyone on my birthday. I already cancelled that plan I did with my cousin. I really don’t want to do anything on Saturday anymore. It’s like there’s a black hole inside of me that is sucking all the happiness out. I don’t know what’s going on. I wish I knew.
And it’s bad. Early this morning, as well as last night before I fell asleep, I was “fantasizing” about my death. I don’t know what came to me and I suddenly thought about dying because I’m reading something that’s totally not depressing, but there I was, in my bed, thinking about death. Somehow, a part of me feels that I won’t last long in this earth. I even have a feeling I won’t live past the age of 32. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right.
What the hell is wrong with me?