07th October, 2015. 12:30pm
So, this week has been strange. I’ve been dreaming about my Mom for two consecutive days now and I don’t know why. Maybe because my birthday is in three days time. Maybe because she can sense how lonely I feel these days.
I started out the weekend by going to church alone last Sunday, where the priest’s Homily hit me like a lightning bolt. During the mass, he said, “there is no perfect family, but we can love each other perfectly.” This had me thinking about my relationship with my Dad. Most people who know our current family situation would say how “angry” I am at him; for what he did. The truth is, I’m not. Disappointed, yes, but angry? No. Never. How could I get angry at someone who gave me life? Someone who raised me? I hate what he’s doing to us, but that doesn’t mean I hate him. **Although, come to think about it, DISAPPOINTED might be worse than anger. I don’t know.
Anyway, since then I thought, for my birthday I want to elope. Not “elope” in the typical sense that I would run away with someone and get married. I know that that’s what it actually means, but a part of me wants to leave on Saturday and not tell anyone about it. My only plan is to visit my Mom at the cemetery and hear mass in the morning and then, I don’t know, maybe I’ll hang out at a café and read a book all day. I just want a day all by myself without all the bullshit.
Another reason for my wanting to go out alone is because I had plans of going out with friends and/or have a party here at home but the annoying thing is that all of them have turned me down, while the rest just ignored my questions. So why bother, right?
Last night, when I dreamed about my Mom, I saw that someone was after our family, after me specifically, and my Mom was there and she held up the “villain” and protected me. I don’t know what it means, but I’m glad that my Mom is always there, even when no one else is. It made me think that maybe, just maybe, I’m destined to be alone forever, so I should just get used to doing things by myself starting on Saturday.
I’m sorry. I know this is such a downer. I just couldn’t get it off my mind. Thanks for hearing me out.