19th August, 2015. 10:05am
NaBloPoMo, Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Have you ever knowingly (beforehand) hurt someone? Why did you make the decision you made?
*Sorry I wasn’t to publish this yesterday. I was just so busy because we did a Podcast yesterday over at ONCE.
About a few years ago, when my Dad started letting his bitch live in our house without talking to us first, I was such a brat. I used to air all my frustrations out on Social Media, not giving fucks on who can read it and what people would say or think about me and/or my family. I was livid, and no amount of talking him over can change his mind. And then I decided to work from home without telling him.
He asked me a lot things why I quit my job to work from home. I didn’t answer him because I’m still disappointed at what he’s doing to us. That was when he told me that from that day forward, he and I will be indifferent to one another. In short, he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.
I know I should’ve just told him why I quit, but was my silence reason enough for him to say that?
Since then, I decided not to speak to him anymore unless I really have to. I also stopped giving him Christmas gifts last year because he never appreciated the things I gave him. I gave him a cellphone, he swapped it with something else. Another year, I gave him two sets of watches; he didn’t even say Thank You. Instead, he mocked the paper wrapping around my gift. It was insulting for my part. I knew I just had to stop trying. So I crossed him off my Christmas list.
I swear, if I could only break up with him, I would have already.
And I know it full well before I stopped talking to him. A lot of people kept asking me how I could be so rigid or why can’t I seem to understand him. I seriously wanted to hit them in the head because they just don’t get it. If I continue letting him hurt me emotionally, I will get crazy. I will grow old bitter and angry. I don’t want that to happen. That’s why I stopped talking to him.
I know it hurts him that he can’t even rely to me when it comes to having a conversation. I hate small talks. I hate it especially when he asks me if I’ve already eaten when he’s clearly seen my just-eaten plate. It’s so annoying! But despite him feeling like that towards me, and even if it hurts me not giving him everything (even if I actually could), I keep things to myself. Why? Because why would I care about someone who doesn’t give a shit about me?
There was a time when we had a fight and he mentioned “how mad I was at him.” The truth is I’m not. How can I get mad at the man who gave me life? I wanted to tell him I’m not mad. I was never mad. Disappointed? Yes. **Which is probably worse, but whatever. But I was never mad at him. Still, I have to do what I do because I can’t let him think he can always hurt me without me fighting back.
I’m pretty sure we’ll love each other again some day but for now, let me just protect my heart, okay?