08th July, 2015. (written at 1:02am)
I know I’ve been MIA here lately, but don’t worry, I’ve been MIA with a lot of things lately, not just here. I’ve been busy with work and choreographing our dance musical, yes, but I just feel out of sync lately. It’s why I hate hiatuses.
I feel sad, but I don’t really know why. I mean, of course I know – I miss my sister and I miss how our family used to be – but there’s still a big part of me that’s indescribably sad. Watching my favorite TV shows and listening to music helps, as well as reading books and writing, but I’m still feeling sad at the end of the day.
Last week, I read Gayle Forman’s I Was Here. It’s about a girl named Cody whose best friend, Meg, committed suicide because of depression. When Meg’s parents gave Cody their daughter’s old laptop as a gratitude for packing Meg’s stuff from her apartment in Tacoma (also because Cody is less fortunate than Meg), Cody found out an encrypted file that led her to finding out the truth about Meg’s death.
After reading the book, I Googled about suicide and depression and realized that maybe, perhaps, I am depressed. I’m not suicidal, just for the record, but I really just feel sad all the time. Also, like Meg, I either sleep for more than 10 hours or none at all. It was actually surprising I haven’t gotten sick yet, given I’m always sleepless these days because of rehearsals. I also always wonder how it would be like to die. Will I see my Mom when I die? Will they cry? Will they miss me? Again, I’m not thinking about offing myself but I don’t know, am I really depressed or actually is bipolar?
A few years ago, I asked my friend who’s a lawyer and a psych major if I actually need to go talk to a therapist. I know something’s wrong with me, though I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is. She told me I don’t need a therapist. What I need is a break from all the things I am going through. She’s right, of course, but why am I not convinced?
I keep telling myself that, perhaps, I just really need to get my own place, or get a boyfriend; go out more often; finish my “novel”; read a book. Somehow, I’m not sure those will even work.