Back in my (old) comfort zone

26th June, 2015. 1:05pm

Okay, so I guess I lied. Sort of. I didn’t exactly “go back to blogging” after that last post, evidently. Actually no. I didn’t lie. I just wasn’t able to keep up with my usual blogging schedule. A few weeks ago, I had recurring dreams about me and death, and I knew it didn’t mean literal death. It was something else.

A new beginning, to be exact.

These days, I am busy attending meetings because after several years of hiding in my four walls of a home office, I am back to the dance floor. A former colleague from our college theater group asked me a few weeks ago if I want to work with them on an upcoming project. I told them I would try and see the material first. After a few days of deliberation and a lot of texting, I found myself back in my college Alma Mater listening to dance numbers being assigned for me to choreograph. But more than that, I also found myself in the center of the said project… As the principal dancer!

I mean, it’s one thing to choreograph the entire play, but to choreograph AND play the lead?! That’s another kind of challenge! I found myself freaking out once I got home and realized what I just got myself into. I haven’t particularly said yes yet, but it still freaks me out; doing both, not to mention managing two jobs at the same time. What the heck was I thinking?!

I emailed my friend who was also part of the group (but isn’t part of this particular production) and blurted out my feelings. I really don’t know what they saw in me and thought about making me choreograph the entire musical and do the lead, because I, for one, think I suck at choreographing. But like the great friend that she is, she reassured me that I’d be fine; I should go back to dancing because apparently, I am that good. I don’t know. I still think I suck at what I do, but maybe it’s just me being terrified of going back on stage, performing and teaching dance.

Truth be told, I’m not worried about performing. I can dance. I know I can handle it. I’m just not sure about doing both. Besides, I don’t know if I’m actually fit for the role. I think they just want me to do the lead because I can dance, and not really because I fit the part. This is why I wanted to take part in the audition process. I wanted to give the current students a chance to shine. I am an alumni. My time is up. I shouldn’t be hogging their spotlight. It should be focused on them.

Another reason for my freak out session is the fact that I have trust issues. If I’m going to do the role, I want to know who my partner is first. Not just on a professional level, but, more importantly, personally. I wanted to make a connection first before we start making love on stage. And when I said making love on stage, I meant there really is going to be a “love/bed scene” on stage. You can’t fake rapport. And I don’t wanna dance with a stranger. I know that sounds like me being a diva, but it’s just the way I am.

Moving on from one freak out session to another, a few days ago, another friend of mine shared a post on Facebook, tagging me with a job opening at the magazine I interned for. Since high school, it has been my dream to work for the magazine, but now that it’s actually here, I suddenly found myself having second thoughts. For one, I don’t know if I’m suited for the job. Second, I now had my eyes set on another company – Harper Collins. I told myself that if I’m going to go back to working for an actual company, I want it to be at Harper Collins. I really want to be a part of Team Epic Reads now. I had that chance when they were looking for a Social Media Correspondent, but they won’t take international applicants. That broke my heart into a million pieces, but I’m not giving up.

However, I’m still thinking if I should try applying for that magazine or not. I saw that the other magazine where my former mentor who is now the Editor-in-Chief of this other magazine is looking for a Fashion Assistant. Okay, that, I thought to myself, I can do. But Assistant Publisher? Uh, I don’t even know what they do.

These days, my mind is filled with work, dance, job openings, books, and TV shows. I’m actually surprised I haven’t gone crazy.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do with my choreography chores. I just hope all the dance Gods will be at my side, helping me put together all the routines that need to be constructed.

KTHXBYE.

Jhack

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